free crap.

Childrens, it's been a while. And it probably will be a while seeing as I ship off to the land of typhoid ridden wagon trains and gay parades on sunday. Yes fools, the west coast.

HOWEVER, the past 10 days or so since I updated last I have experienced the wonders of the American landscape: free crap. Yes, despite rising oceans and out of contral inflation on the price of milk, there is still a plethora of free crap out there. Living in a city like Chicago I don't know how you could starve in terms of munchies and cultural classiness.


MY FAVORITE FREE CRAP

#1. Gourmet Supermarkets









Maybe I have stopped by a few times after working out, done one lap of 10 free samples, an extra of the pastries and left without buying anything...don't put it out if you don't want people to eat it fool! Boobsweat.

#2 . Cultural Establishments

Zoos or Museums. I don't pay to see smelly animals smeared in their own feces so nobody else should either. Unless it's a giraffe. giraffes are infallible. Could you imagine a giraffe on rollerskates? Having a conversation with a giraffe? What would it talk about? So much knowledge in that little pea head.

*note. The art institute in Chicago was free this past week after the Piano addition opening. It was damn classy but sorry kids, not free anymore. I might pay to get in if they start passing out cookies at the coat check.

speaking of cookies...

#3 Cookies!









At said trip in Chicago, my fine feathered friends, who will remain anonymous due to giraffe problems, following our check in at the Doubletree (holy balls 3.5 stars) the clerk gave us free and WARM cookies. Gooey cookies. I don't care if he spent the afternoon toasting them between his but cheeks, I chose not to think about it. They were damn good and enabled me to smear chocolate, which for all someone else knows could've been poo, all over the elevator buttons.


Additionally, if you're lucky they give out free cookies at the pastry counter at Kroger. Only on good days though. I think it has something to do with the tides and ovulation cycle of the baker. Keep an eye peeled on a full moon!

#4 Garbage Furniture

The ultimate in affordable home decoration, a broken vacuum or moldy couch on the side of the road scream TAKE ME TAKE ME TAKE ME!!! The possibilities are endless especially if you have a car with a badonkadonk. Throw your inhibitions to the wind and take a dumpster dive once in a while. You'll thank me when that love interest compliments you on good taste.

BEST FIND: A discarded sunglass rack behind CVS. Also 2 couches a hat rack and a tv that made for a perfect front yard living room in the yard of an unsuspecting friend.

And garbage picking my friends is not a new thing...you'll be taking part in a valuable part of history! >http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gleaning and it's French which means it has to be classy. Whatever.

In conclusion, a warm cookie can provide hours of excitement, confusion and possible disgust. And garbage isn't always dirty but can get you laid.

The end.